Dear WTF (where's the fashion?) Diary,

Is it not the duty of our local newspapers to run the appropriate warning headlines once we are blessed with weather north of the 60 degree mark? Would it not be considered a moral duty to give those of us who give some thought to what we really look like to the outside world a friendly shout out to avoid certain places? And, isn't it a health risk to have the retina's of one's eyes exposed to the Fashion Don'ts (FD's) that the General Public (GP) feels is necessary to don once the weather turns a tad warmer?

What is your diarist referring to this time you ask? She wishes to warn the well dressed citizenry (and it ain't a lot from what she can see) that (drum roll please) the 'Shirtless Wonders' have arrived at Nantasket Beach. And when she says wonders, she means wonders....

"What fun house mirror they are using before they step into the public domain"?
"What could possible be gained by exposing your expanding mid section to the world"?
"What makes you think we want to see 'all that'?

I nearly drove off the road last week at the sight of 'all that'.
And what is 'all that'.? That would be the bikers who congregate on the wall, tattoos and big belt buckles a-blazing (and really, amazing). The regular 'ladies' who despite their advancing age and girth feel it is still ok to wear any type of bathing suit and display it on the boardwalk on their loungechairs for all the world to see. The younger set that seems to think it's ok to wear an itty bitty even though they are most definately not. And boys? Pull up your damn pants.

Note to 95% of the general public: What Not to Wear. Watch it. Please. I'm begging you.

Has your diarist committed a fashion faux pas every now and then? She admits to Teal and Mauve at her wedding (it was 1989). She admits to shoulder pads and wild prints (ditto, 80's but it was fabulous). She even admits to having once owned a pair of overalls (she cannot think of an excuse for that at the moment). However, under the iron hand that was her mother, she learned that "less is indeed more". She learned from her first boss to 'dress for work as if that is the day the president of the company will show up and ask you to lunch'. And she understands she is not her daughter, that time has passed but another, still fashionable one is available and will not cause acid reflux or temporary blindness to others.

Why are these simple concepts lost on a great deal of the GP? Forget National Health Care (don't get me stahted), there should be a National Fashion Policy. And, should the General Public adhere to it, there will not be a need for National Health Care. Since we will all look mahvelous, we will feel better. And those of us that are suffering from the exposure to toxic fashion will be cured! It's a brilliant concept. It needs to be implemented. Now.

The only upside to the current state of fashion affairs is the entertainment factor it provides. For this you need a pair of dark sunglasses (Camilley's Closet, $10), your very best poker face and a flask of good wine (medicinal purposes, protects the eyes in the event the glasses aren't strong enough. Take my word). You find yourself a good parking space where you can get a wide (all puns intended) view of the sideshow. Cue the circus music, open the flask and enjoy. To sober up for the ride home, simply remove your glasses. That should do it.

As I always say, there's an upside to everything!